Cover Letter Hell

Writing the perfect cover letter is literally an impossible task.

Here's a some well-accepted advice on how to construct the perfect letter. You must use ALL of it. Then guess why it's so hard for me to apply for more than one job a day.

1. Write with the utmost confidence
2. Don't be arrogant
3. Describe your achievements, skills, and background...
   
4. ...without using the words "I" or "me" (I dare you)
5. Be natural and let your personality shine through
6. Maintain a formal, business-like tone
   
7. Describe in detail how your accomplishments and experience relate to the position using specific examples...
8. ...in one short paragraph
9. Start strong by using a creative rhetorical question
10. But don't use gimmicks!
11. Mention how you heard about the position
12. Don't waste your readers' time by explaining where you heard about the position

In addition to all the conflicting advice given about this agonizing task, the sample letters to guide you contain some of the most awesomely douche-tastic sentences ever conceived by man. More on that later.